The idiosyncratic rater effect
“How we rate others based on our own character, competency, harshness, inherent and unconscious biases and not theirs.”
An interesting topic for me this week! After being rated unfairly in a conversation(as far as I could see), I reflected on my own interactions. It was very difficult to do as I always saw myself as someone that was fair and nonjudgmental. So it required some humble moments, vulnerability, acceptance, kindness and open mindedness.
My first thought was: characters are setting the tone for the exchange. Some people have empowering characters while others are quiet and relaxed. How do I see both perspectives without getting defensive and frustrated when the conversation isn’t moving at my pace?
I must listen and respect the other’s experiences/opinions and engage in a deep conversation through questions- be very curious. Everyone has something interesting to say and I need to take it all then process the good and let go of the bad. While digesting information I constantly re-balance myself by checking in to see if this is in line with my values, is my intuition telling me anything? When something feels off I stop and do a quick analysis to see if it’s my biases or is it colliding with what I stand for and should I affirm it? The firmer my opinion, the stronger the validation that this is my value that I don’t bend on. I stay true to that as it defines me. This can come across as stubborn at times, for example when choosing a restaurant for dinner with friends and I refuse to go to a fast food joint, it’s because I live a healthy lifestyle and I do not feed my body junk. Therefore I will not accept to to go and know that there’s a lot of choice outside of fast food that offers everything to please a crowd so I insist on it, I see it as having all options instead of being stubborn:)
Then I reflected on working styles that I’m unfamiliar with and knowledge experts introducing me to new learning opportunities and growth in a conversation. The same as above applies here: curiosity, respect, good listening skills and lots of meaningful questions. Before even reaching that level I have to be humble and accept that I do not know this subject and I have someone in front of me who can teach me something new so I set my mind on hearing their expertise. In a professional setting this is the ideal way to collaborate and advance an idea, project and share knowledge amongst multiple experts.
I also realized that: when I’m harsh on others, I’m even harsher on myself. In the sense that if I feel like I know little on a subject I think that I can’t contribute to a conversation and become silent. This isn’t about me, it’s about the other person and they are sharing with me something that they master, I need to engage in the conversation in order to allow them to feel confident that what they express matters. When I’m passionate about what I talk about it shows and my audience can feel it, we tend to forget the passion in our voices when we know a subject well, that’s what makes people disconnect from us and not the subject itself. I also tend to control the conversation when it lacks direction and forget to enjoy it while constantly thinking about what to say next to prove my point, bringing it to where I want it to go or simply ending it and walking away unsettled. Essentially, it’s not about me in a conversation where I’m not a subject expert and the best way I can contribute is by asking questions, showing interest and learning while helping the other see a new perspective. This results in everyone walking away feeling good!
Basically inherent and unconscious biases are only taking into consideration my perspective of the world as I process the information through my personal experiences, knowledge, values and emotional state. By doing this I am limiting myself from learning and seeing, hearing and feeling someone else’s experience that’s different than my own.
How can I travel the world without a map? The people that I come across are my map with exact locations that I can check off as I visit them and walk away with the experience and knowledge that I accumulate when I travel with curiosity. It goes beyond curiosity, as I looked deeper I saw that I had to be open minded and accept our differences and respect them. I had to allow myself to feel empathy, to make it about the other person and fully listen without giving advice. Then I had to show kindness, warmheartedness, courage, vulnerability and ask meaningful questions to fully engage in the conversation. I had to constantly tell myself: this isn’t about me, it’s about the other person. It’s a selfless act and it requires a lot of practice!! We’re so focused on us all the time that we forget how to put others first. I don’t mean to let go of our own needs and let people walk all over us at all! This is about listening to another opinion and respecting it when it’s different then your own in order to grow as an individual.
The reflection process started with an interaction that I deemed unfair based on the way I perceived it. After analyzing my own experiences I realized that it was simply the other person’s idiosyncratic rater effect and I have a choice on how I process it. I now choose to listen and respect that opinion, to communicate clearly, express mine openly while allowing for a learning experience that leaves us in a healthy state of mind.