I had the courage to face myself
I’m painfully scared of being vulnerable and it stops me in the tracks when I need to move forward the most:( If you’re anything like me you’ll realize that eventually you stop listening to others, connecting, you close up and stop feeling. You have first level conversations, you barely speak your mind and are emotionless! I will admit that it’s a selfish way to act and live-for me at least as I’m unhappy while in that bubble.
I’d like to genuinely talk about what nobody wants to talk about: ourselves:) The amazingly kind, loving, thoughtful, altruistic and beautiful us! So bare with me while I make a slight distinction now: when I write us I mean each and every single of you and me acting as one. Not the singular version that we often see and use. The I, the me, mine is out! It’s hard eh ?! Get in this space with me for the sake of saving humanity, it’s crucial to understanding our fears and being transparent in order to be courageous.
Let’s get started, are you ready ?! Close your eyes, oh wait, you can’t do that actually since you have to read, my bad ;)
Ok really, now that you’ve read this far I promise (and I am a person of integrity) you will see this beautiful discovery of self! All you need is faith in us as humans that can connect and work together:):):)
I’d like to share a story about courage that I experienced last weekend to create a context. I attended an event on how we function as a society and I was faced with intense internal discomfort. Something that was said by the speaker didn’t fit with my values. Well after a friend created the space for me to speak up, I finally did! Little did I know that I would be faced with one hour of rigorous questions about my fears, personal believes, perceptions, ideals, experiences, dreams, goals, you name it! And the more she asked, the more I closed up, my walls got so high and thick that I felt nothing, even an atomic bomb couldn’t break it.
Here’s the thing: I was scared of being vulnerable in front of 100 people and sharing with them all of the above. I was scared that if they knew who I really was they would think differently of me, they would not accept me in their circles, they would judge me, ridicule me and not give a rats ass. I was scared of facing myself. I didn’t want to let go of my ego and wanted them to tell me they cared first and implore me to share. I basically wanted the safe space first so I can share and didn’t want anyone to disagree with me lol I wanted them to be vulnerable, broken, imperfect first. Well let’s just say that I kept my wall even after someone said we’d like you to be part of the group and went and sat down without a response or acceptance. As I sat there, nothing was moving inside and I felt trapped. How can I be so unaffected by this? It’s impossible! We had a dinner break and during that time many people came to tell me that they saw themselves in me and how hard it was for them to be vulnerable and trust. They thanked me for speaking my mind and having the courage to stand there for them. This was the big aha moment that unleashed all my safely kept emotions! I understood that I have to open up first and create the space in order for others to feel empowered to do it as well. I have to create what I want in my life instead of expecting others to do it, if not I’m at their mercy! I also realized that by shutting down one emotion, all the others are locked away too. I can’t separate courage from fear, love from heartbreak and vulnerability from connection. I saw what it’s like to be a part of others. We are all the same and very different, we love, desire, dream and fear the same things, we give each other courage- we support and complete each other like a puzzle. It finally clicked that in being vulnerable with others I am accepted and loved plus it allows them to feel the same! I connected with my purpose in life: to create courage through connections within others that help them realize their full potential and creates a space where vulnerability can be displayed, encouraged and accepted.
I will get into the philosophical side of courage and fear now…
What is fear? Something that triggers an emotional and physical reaction when you’re about to do something that your body or mind perceives as dangerous for you. This is like your border crossing agent :) You simply have to show your passport, answer a few questions and off you go! We show the passport and start to sweat, stutter and look away when the questions come. As if we’re trying to steal someone else identity and smuggle a kilo of cocaine into the country while dressed like a nun. Sounds ridiculous no? This is how we act when scared though, we avoid the whole truth as it means facing ourselves when we act like frauds. The criticism, judgement, validation we project onto others we give ourselves tenfold. Addressing these is going to war with ourselves on the home front so we can make peace with it, put up the white flag and call it truce before anyone gets hurt(except our ego that will take a real beating lol)
How we deal with fear differs from one individual to the next and it also has one commonality: we freeze and put up a wall to protect ourselves. Our brains are sensing danger and warning our bodies to take caution. We then let our egos take over and the voice inside starts talking, it is there to protect us from the unforeseen evil-self defense mode. We lose sight of what is truly happening and only see the small element of it, the part that could potentially hurt us. So we hide behind our reasons and fears then explain it, still being in denial with ourselves and move on. We have now stored that fear in the box- Danger, don’t cross this line! We really like to label all feelings and experiences, associate them with others that we’ve experienced in the past and categorize them before storing them away, only to call on them again and again. Geez this is so tiring and annoying! Bringing up the same things is like running into a tree at full speed even though you know this is going to hurt like hell! We wouldn’t do that, would we not?!
Why do we hide behind our fears and avoid taking action?! To protect ourselves! Duh!! LOL What are we protecting ourselves from though? In reality, a possibility of being vulnerable. This is where courage has to step in and take over! And it has to do it by force, like a real slap in the face in order for us to see it. Having the courage to step up and become vulnerable is tough! It means letting go of what others might think or say, believing in ourselves, accepting our imperfections, having our opinions challenged, invalidated, crushed, wronged and still stand in the end. You know what gives us the courage to stand through all of that? Knowing that you’re standing for and with others. Because fear is not comfortable, it’s feeling alive! Having the courage to become uncomfortable and become alive will give us the freedom needed to express ourselves, empower us to take action and act in a way that is in unity with humanity. We can then act as one because we’re interconnected and interdependent. We function as a whole and the more we disconnect and think we’re alone to make decisions the more we’re going to swim against the waves, tire out and give up on ourselves. Nobody has given up on us, we did. We simply shut everyone out and refuse to let them back back in until they beg to feed our ego. This is the highest level of self inflicted pain and we are all guilty of it, sadly! Realizing it though is the jackpot, this means you can stop it in its tracks and reverse it, adding it to the new box labelled —courage, sense of belonging, connection, purpose, love, joy, passion.
I invite you to have the courage to let someone see, hear and touch your most vulnerable side today and face your fears of being seen, heard and touched in order to feel alive! Allow yourself to see what it’s like to be part of a group of people acting as one. To hear how every word we speak and action we take will make a difference for someone else. Let your words set forth actions and be courageous!! Imagine what it would be like if you lost a leg — you’d be crippled, if you lost an eye — your vision would be impaired. This is what it feels like when you disconnect from others and think your actions are independent of others. You are making them half blind and crippled.That is a sad way to live and treat the people we care about no? Choose who you want to be today and empower people to see their full potential in you!
Let’s face the fears inside ourselves to become fearless for others:)