How to get over a heartbreak
I honestly feel that only time can heal this one…you have to allow yourself a short time to cry, to be sad, to feel the emptiness of this person from your life and to accept it instead of denying it. Give yourself a time frame, for example one day of pure heartbreak. Then get on with life even if you have to jump on a moving train.
How do you heal? I must say that it is easier to break it down into steps.
Step 1:
Cry it out with a box of kleenex and some good songs that will boost your mood. Just allow yourself to feel those tears running down your face while taking a long bath, walking, laying in bed, whatever floats your boat! It’s ok to be sad for a bit, to appreciate all the moments you shared, to feel the love you have in your heart and to really miss them. Now let’s think about what you miss about them….
Step 2:
Write-out out your thoughts by doing a brain dump. You can list all the reasons why it didn’t workout, all the cons, forget the pros and what you liked about them, you did that already, now it’s time to let go.
Make a list of what you want in your partner and in a relationship, for example: chivalry, integrity, honesty, physical affection, emotional intelligence, humbleness, someone that can admit their wrongs and apologize, someone that will put others first, someone that express their feelings easily and makes you feel important with actions and words…go as detailed as possible; then things like: I like it when he helps me in the kitchen, he needs to be able to entertain himself, he can plan a date night, he notices when I change my hair colour haha etc.
What I’m referring to is core values, essentials that define you as a person.
What was missing from all of those ?
Step 3:
Once that’s done, identify what you have to offer and your qualities, make a short list that you can write out nicely on a piece of paper to keep. This will allow you to define what you’re ready and open to. Make a distinction between being ready and being scared.
When you’re ready you allow yourself to open, you share more of yourself, you connect on a different, deeper level with the ones that you share core values with. You’re also in a place where you can filter much faster the ones that don’t fit with you. You’re self aware and intuitive. Precious this last one along with hope and faith in people.
And being scared, feeling vulnerable and destabilized comes up when you start to care. Anyone of us that’s been hurt in the past and still carries it within us will be scared. We need to heal. I speak for myself now as I felt it recently when faced with my emotions. Small actions from the other person triggered my self protective mechanism to kick in and I put up walls. I felt it, I could see it yet I was paralyzed by it. This is when I really had to define what our values were and if we truly aligned. Was I having this fear because I needed to heal past wounds or was I missing something essential in this relationship? It was a very hard exercise where I admitted to my wrongs, faults, expectations and used my heart and head to rationalize while feeling it all, accepting myself, forgiving and apologizing. Then I loved myself for having all the qualities that define me, for what I had given and having an open heart. I also accepted myself as I am and started healing. I saw that the compassion I lacked for myself I was lacking for others, so I had to look deeper inside. It was liberating! I also made peace with the other person. I apologized, I thanked and I offered my friendship. The future will tell the rest….
Step 4:
Put the list from the previous step on the wall beside your bed and read it when you wake up and before bedtime as a reminder of what you deserve in a relationship and how awesome you are then tell yourself that this is a non-negotiable.
Step 5:
Go out and exercise! Any type of it…yoga, meditation, running, swimming, you name it! Just move so that your body can produce endorphins and oxytocin, these are natural anti-depressants that you could really use when in a state of sadness and self pity like this!
Step 6:
Eat healthy even if you crave junk! This will tell your brain that you’re strong, disciplined, you get to choose what comes next and you’re in control of your mind. This is the most powerful tool as you can stabilize yourself and focus on what matters — your health!
Step 7:
Start a project that you’ve been putting on hold and make daily progress! This will distract you and keep your mind on the positive! Connect with people that are positive in your life, share your goals with them and ask them to be a part of your future accomplishments to celebrate victories together.
Step 8:
Take note of your thought pattern and anytime you go into past thoughts about the relationship and how much you miss it, focus on the list in step 2;) That means stopping your thoughts and training your brain to rewire that pattern so that you can slowly create new connections that are positive and focus on moving forward instead of living in the past.
To put it in other terms, avoid talking about it with everyone you know and tell yourself that you did everything right(the mistakes you learn from and apologize) and the other person isn’t ready for your awesomeness. They still have work to do on themselves and you scare them. They are scared of the fact that you know yourself, your wants, dreams, goals and what you’re willing to accept and not. Most people have no idea what they’re ready for and what they can offer. You show up and all of your shit is in order, your goals are clear, you are confident, you communicate it clearly and they feel like they can’t measure up so they chicken out. Well let them, this is a sign that you are better off without them. You are ready for someone that’s in the same place as you, is ready to accept you, respect you and make you part of their life.
So this is about you!! What can you offer? What can you open yourself to ?
If it’s the kind of love that includes getting past the ups and downs, allowing for emotional outbursts without judgement, communicating openly, having common dreams and life goals, similar interests and lifestyle then you’re on the right path. It all starts with you! Be ready to meet that person that will compliment you! That person won’t be intimidated by who you are and your clarity. They will embrace you, cherish you, elevate you, respect and love you unconditionally. And when you meet one that’s not ready for it, they will run. So let them! Cry tears of joy that you dodged that bullet! Think of what it would be like to live with this person for years and be all alone to go through lives struggles as they’ll always feel like they’re not enough, they’ll play the victim repeatedly. Let’s be honest though, we all need support too, no matter how strong. We need someone to hold us, listen to us and care even if they’re suffering too. We must let energy vampires move on and we can focus on the people that can share their energy with us instead!
After all this rumbling, which I had to get off my chest, I must say that I feel so much better! I cried a lot, until my tears ran dry! I was sad as I mostly thought about the good memories until I started the 8 step process. This really put things into perspective for me and I rationalized it with less emotions and more realism. I realized I was out of balance because our lives didn’t align, what saved me what the list of things I had to offer(step 3) compared to why it didn’t work(step 2)! I finally saw a huge gap that made it all clear!!! I also wondered how come I didn’t see this from the start?! What I concluded was that I wanted to get to know him slowly instead of making it an interrogation process. I saw his true values through interactions in different situations. So when we started I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I had fait in myself to be a good judge of character and I also created a safe space to feel what we were sharing. When this clashed with reality I pressed on the breaks. This was so painful. I started spinning internally as I doubted myself and my judgement, then I was scared since I started to have feelings for him so I put all that on a paper and reasoned it out. The conclusion: just not a good fit at this point in our lives. Hallelujah! We both agreed, even better:)
As I’m moving forward, I have the clarity I need to stay true to myself and allow love into my life. I’m very excited about the next relationship as I know it will be one I’m ready for with its ups and downs, the emotional highs and lows- with a person that is just as ready as I am and has healed from past wounds!