How to be compassionate when you need it most
I am far from being Mother Theresa, am quick to speak while seeing it as expressing an opinion, I have little patience , I am emotional, mercurial or volatile, I don’t know how to ask for help, I feel hurt when I lack support from friends, I close up when I need to speak up about my emotions, I am a strong woman(in all senses of the word)…and I also cry often, I put others first, I trust easily, I connect with people on a deeper level and I simply care for all the people I come across!
Quite the contract isn’t it!? It’s mind boggling how I can be on the two ends of the spectrum! I’m constantly at odds with myself in order to really understand my actions, reactions and thought processes.
This week I was challenged emotionally by two friends. As always I reflect on the “why did this happen?” and “what have I learned from it?” to prevent it from happening again or so I can at least do it better/differently next time.
What happened?
I wasn’t invited to a house party because the host is simply selective with whom she has over. We are not friends nor do we connect therefore I didn’t expect an invite from her. And to tell you the truth, I wouldn’t have gone anyhow, it was just by principle. The people attending though, two were my friends. And they didn’t even mention it until the next day. This hurt my feelings and I felt like they didn’t appreciate me as a friend to invite me or to at least tell me about the event. And my thoughts started going down a black hole where I even felt like I was being used, lied to, only there when they needed something, that I was the only one giving and they didn’t offer anything back and simply took and took some more.
Why did I react that way?
My first thought was “I am not a good enough friend to be there”. Well my reaction was pure rejection, hurt and I felt excluded and ignored. Instead of finding out their real reasons I went straight to feeling rejected vs do these friends care about me? What have they done to show me that they do? What if instead of these thoughts I simply asked them about it openly and sharing that I feel hurt/offended by their actions. I was reacting from my own fears, past hurts and disappointments, lack of trust in others, my own insecurities and I was physically and mentally exhausted(plus major PMS) — this last point truly enhanced my emotional state as I felt vulnerable and needed rest. Right from the gecko I had a negative outlook on the situation and was not in a physical and mental state to think clearly so everything that followed was a ticking time bomb.
What were my real reasons?
I expressed my disappointment to my friends and one saw the hurt on my face as we were talking, she didn’t invite me because they assumed I would not go since I didn’t enjoy it the first time and I had mentioned that I had plans that night. So both thought that it wasn’t important enough since I wouldn’t attend anyhow. She then understood that it was the principle, explained the context, I accepted it and we both agreed that in the future it will be nice to share the information and let me decide if I choose to attend or not instead of omitting it all together. I also reflected on our friendship and realized she was there for me, listened when I had to empty out my heart, gave her honest opinion, offered to help when I needed it so I appreciated her and saw that it wasn’t one sided.
The second friend was where the bomb exploded. This is mainly due to the fact that we did it over text which is by far the worst channel to exchange on anything that you feel emotional about, even slightly hurt, need some clarification on..and validation! And what do you know, he also responded (by text) with a lengthy apology, explanation, request for clarification on the nature of our friendship(were my intentions romantic or platonic), his own hurts and emotions to put the blame on me for a cold reaction on a different topic. This last part set off the boom! I was already feeling vulnerable and being told that just made me lose all sense of reality, rationalism was out the window and compassion down the drain. Oh I also didn’t understand his point so forget empathy, his shoes were way too big for me(literally too lol)! I wasn’t even going there at all! Imagine how hard it is to see the good in someone and what they have done for you when in a state like this! Impossible to be honest! Even though we’ve shared many in depth conversations and he truly listened, gave helpful advice, offered his help when I needed it, I couldn’t see any of it at that point in time. I wished I had a Hold button so I can just continue the conversation at a later date when I was in a better state…wishful thinking. Instead, I completely dismissed his apology and focused on what he was unclear about — figured I’d address the ambiguity first! Then I jumped to emphasize my own support as a friend and his lack of it for me lately.
So what were my real reasons for sharing with them how I felt? So they could apologize and have compassion then confirm that they valued me as a friend, not to be told that I’m to blame! I was looking for some love, acceptance, appreciation, support and understanding. What did I do to receive it? I criticized harshly, I pointed fingers and I judged. These three are the reason I’m writing this blog today. It’s not who I want to be or how I want to act, it contradicts with my values! I am ashamed of myself for acting that way and this will never generate compassion, it only pushes people away more.
What have I learned?
My lack of communication when I need support or help, when I want to talk about my struggles, when I just need a shoulder to cry on is my responsibility alone and I am terrible at it sometimes!! I have to express it instead of expecting others to ask me. Nobody will act like me, expecting it sets the stage for disappointment, hurt, broken trust and lost friendships. It becomes too overwhelming and I can’t seem to muster the courage to do it so I internalize it all and really wish that someone will ask if I’m ok so I don’t have to say it as most of the time I can’t even make sense of it myself ! I wrote about being vulnerable in “I had the courage to face myself” and it’s an ongoing struggle for me. I am emotional because I care and as a result I feel vulnerable often. When my bucket is empty and I don’t receive enough to fill it I became insecure and needy. And God forbid I should ask for help and express it lol I am a strong woman remember?! In reality sometimes all I need is a hug and a simple “are you ok?” so I can empty my heart then I’m a happy camper again. I receive so much more from giving that I couldn’t just accept compassion all day long, I would feel empty:) I also saw that when I am compassionate I am open to receiving it from others, my heart is warm and ready to receive, no guards are up. Very powerful feeling when I realized it and I allowed myself to process it slowly with tears in my eyes:)
My biggest lesson from this is to simply communicate my thoughts, feelings, needs and ask for help when I need it. My friends are in my life because I chose them carefully, I saw the good in them, I am a wonderful judge of character with a sharp intuition so I need to trust myself and them then to believe that they have their best interests at heart for me.
And lastly, have a face to face conversation about sensitive topics and always focus on the situation and not the person. Events happen independent of the person and I am wise enough to make the difference, I just need to get some rest so that I can process my thoughts straight before addressing anything this sensitive. I also need to detach all feelings from it and not take it personal. It never is, never was and never will be. Things just happen, how I process them is what sets the tone for what comes next.
In the end, this is a heartfelt apology to all of my friends that I acted unfairly with, that I lost trust in, that I scolded for not reading my mind and blamed for my lack of courage to ask for help. I love and appreciate you in my life xoxox